Things you should never say to your teenage daughter

30 Jan

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but teenage daughters are from somewhere beyond anyplace the Hubble telescope has managed to pick up yet. Communicating with a teenage girl requires an interpreter, a lot of patience, and I would say common sense but sometimes that even fails to penetrate the atmosphere around your teen daughter. Okay, maybe not yours, but definitely mine. I’ve searched high and low for the right things to say to mine, but in the end I’ve only managed to find out what not to say which has proved equally valuable.

Rule number one is to never use the word forbid! This gets their brain firing like a feline needing a catnip fix. This is a challenge, you’re throwing down the gauntlet. I was once said “I forbid you to get a nose ring.” Now in all fairness my little precious did not come home with a nose ring. She came home with a belly button ring, a tongue stud, and some piece of metal that kept staring at me from the eyebrow area on the right side of her face. She put up a good defense citing she did just as I said and avoided the hole nose ring thing. Being right was little consolation when she was sitting in her room for a month after school though.

Never ever under any circumstances use the words “around” or “about” when discussing time. You have to be specific! I once said be in by around ten. That is not specific. What I should have said was “be in by ten p.m. on the night of 12/09/2007” because that is concrete. What I originally said using the word around ten somehow makes it’s way through the auditory system of a teenage girl as maybe eleven or twelve, or even the tenth day of the month. Ten p.m. is generally “around” that time in the grand scheme of things. Who knows? You have to remember putting information in their mind is like programming a computer, if it is not literal it is open to a huge world of interpretation and fills in the blanks with the most personally pleasing data.

Never ever tell them about the things you did when you were their age, unless of course it’s something like getting a job and saving money for college, or perhaps volunteering with the sick and elderly. Somehow a teenage girl is wired to store every single thing you have ever said and throw it right back at you the exact second you try to punish them for doing the same thing. They will use it against you in the snippiest most snide way possible so you walk away from the exchange looking like the evil unjust hypocrite and they look like poor persecuted Snow White. Even worse than that it’s possible they will attempt the things you did and try to pawn off their shenanigans as some sort of alternate universe form of bonding. It’s not uncommon to hear things in this scenario like “but mom, I was just trying to be like you were when you were my age.” Don’t fall for it!

Never tell them what kind of boy, or girl depending on their preference, to date. No matter what you say they will go directly against it. That is unless of course you tell them to go for the bad boy. Never say “date the kid with a charge for grand theft auto and a snake tattooed on his forehead” because they will do it! Even if they don’t want to they will do it to spite you and prove their point. What that point is I’m not even clear on and I did that to my parents as a teen! In fact don’t even talk to them about dating, just let them figure it out on their own and when the are hopelessly lost they will come to you and maybe consider listening to your advice. Of course whatever you say will be wrong and they will blame you for their dateless dilemma so it doesn’t really matter anyway.

Don’t tell your teenage daughter anything you wouldn’t want used against you in a court of law or blabbed about to the public in general. Teenage girls gossip and yours is no different. It used to take a whole night and hours on the phone to spread a juicy morsel, now it reaches the world in audio, text, and sometimes video in a matter of seconds thanks to cell phones and computers. Remember what you said to your spouse about your neighbor Marjorie and what she did with the UPS man when her husband was at work? Your daughter sure will and that is why before you yourself gossip in the home you need to go down to the Bat Cave and enter the cone of silence. Anything you say in the house, no matter how quietly you whisper, your teen daughters bionic hearing will pick up and instantly disseminate.

It is easy to go on and on for days about all the things to never say to your teenage daughter but if you stick to the above major no-no’s you should be okay for the most part. Most important is if the conversation ever turns to sex…fake a heart attack. Yes it’s cruel and extreme but sometimes it’s worth it.

Find your minimal requirements for a date

26 Jan

Everyone in the dating world has to set the bar somewhere. Some have such high requirements in what they are looking for in a person they are willing to date it is amazing they ever find someone, while others set the cut off point far too low. There is no true marker for what is too low as each individual usually has a grasp on what type of person is within their grasp. While the following rules may not be universal in all cases, they will help you identify what the minimum requirements are for someone you are willing to date.

Do they have a pulse? This is always a good place to start as it is pretty difficult to have a successful date with someone who is incapable of communicating. While that is facetious as it is presented in the literal sense, you have to consider right away that there are living people who exhibit less outward activity than the dead, or so it seems. You try to initiate conversation, make suggestions for activities, or just get the slightest rise out of them and all they do is stare blankly or offer monosyllabic answers. Therefore having someone that is lively enough to hold up their end of a conversation is a definite minimum requirement.

Do you have at least a couple of overlapping interests that you can share in some way? Efficiently exchanging carbon dioxide really doesn’t count here. Think more along the lines of a shared joy for rollerblading, art, the same genre of movies, sports, or anything you can engage in as a couple. If you have nothing in common you most likely won’t make it to the third date, second if you’re the one paying.

Are your lives heading in similar directions? As cruel as it may sound if your life is on the rise don’t tie an anchor around your neck! This doesn’t mean that a minimum requirement for dating someone is how much money they make, but rather that they are at least making an honest effort to realize their potential. Along the same lines you have to have at a minimum broadly defined common goals. If their great ambition in life is to see Star Wars at the IMAX for the 500th time and yours is to upgrade a software package for the universal exchange of medical records, you probably aren’t the best fit.

You must next consider whether or not you fit in each others own personal worlds. This is really just a nice way of saying are they going to embarrass you socially. The harsh reality is if you aren’t exactly busting at the seams to be seen with someone don’t even bother. You can hide someone away for a little while but eventually you will have to meet each others friends and family. If the prospect of that makes you feel ill then don’t waste each others time. If you aren’t willing to be seen with someone it is likely that even if you somehow wound up in an intimate situation there would be no chemistry. If you cannot have a healthy sex life you have no shot at a healthy relationship. Just move on to the next episode.

Only you know what things you can live with and without in a person you are going to date. These are merely a few red flags to look for that are good indicators you are wasting your time. The choice is always yours to make and sometimes the best couples are the outwardly most unlikely to succeed. The best advice is keep an open mind, have an escape plan at the ready in case a date is particularly bad, and do make sure they do have a pulse both literally and figuratively!

Coming Full Circle

22 Jan

I began writing this in 1985 when I was a lovestruck kid in HS. It never finished. I don’t even know where the initial idea came from anymore (aside from the girl), just that a pair of lines repeated in my head incessantly. I’m no poet, and I’ve never pretended to be, but this is something that never left my head. Over the years, I’ve likely written it down to try to finish no less that 50 times. It never resolved itself.

For some reason, about 4:15am, I woke up and this was back in my head. I’ve barely been able to focus much less stay awake all yesterday with the stomach flu running through me. Maybe it’s the fever, dehydration or sleep deprivation that comes with only half sleeping far too long – like when you feel as though you’re watching yourself from the side somewhere. Maybe it’s a lot of things, or maybe it was just time it put itself together.

I’m not in love with it, but I learned a long time ago if you wake up from a sleep and the words are in your head and you can’t think of a single change – it’s done! Good or bad. It will never get any better than it is at that moment. I don’t think I have another 28 years to wait on it to come out again, so here it is.

I’d normally never share any kind of poetry stuff I’ve written publicly – certainly not unless it was under one of my pen names. This time I figured I would. It’s like finally closing out bits and pieces of many chapters and feeling like I could move on and open up new ones.

I hope it doesn’t suck too much! 🙂

And now I will see if I can fall back asleep . . .

_______________________

I heard your voice at the end of a tunnel

Garbled and unintelligible

I could feel you slipping away

And then I was jerked awake to realize you were never there

Oh what a painter I must be to create a illusion so real

A dream within a dream

Only to realize it would only ever be a dream

Scott Lively

18 Jan

This is a very important post on a subject that cannot be ignored. I encourage you to please click through and read this.

 

Scott Lively is the leading American conspirator behind the Ugandan “Anti-Homosexuality Bill”, and at last Sexual Minorities Uganda is bringing him to account. They have filed a statement of claim in a court in Massachusetts.This is not a matter of religious belief or freedom of speech. Lively is entitled to express his belief that freedom of speech is a bad thing, and that advocacy for gay rights should accordingly be criminalised. He is entitled even to lie that the Nazi rise to power was a homosexual conspiracy, ignoring the 100,000 arrested for homosexuality during the Nazi regime. The court action against him is for his actions, not his words or beliefs.

via Scott Lively.

via Scott Lively.

Memoirs: When you still think of your first love

16 Jan

People experience a wide range of emotions when thinking of their first love. For some it is a positive thing that brings a smile to their face and for others it brings feelings of loss or regret. Sometimes it is even a little bit of each. First loves are different for everyone, some swear they experienced their first love very early in life, others in their teens, and yet more say they never really felt true love until they were adults. As such, we all think differently when thoughts of that person re-visit us.

A perfect example points back to many years ago when as a teen I asked my father about his first love after feeling devastated by being ripped away from mine through the cruelty of corporate relocation, not my own mind you, his. He took a deep breath and for the next to last time in my life invited me to hop up on his lap while he related the story of his first love. “She was a beautiful woman” he said, going on to describe so many little things that made her special; how she laughed, how she looked at him, the way he felt inside when he even did so little as just think of her. Imagine my surprise when I realized it wasn’t my mom he was talking about but rather a woman he met in Germany some 35 years earlier at the end of World War II!

He explained how special that first love was, and that even though it hurt to have to leave her behind, that experience was what prepared him for the greatest love of his life which was my mom. Over the years he explained we would likely fall in love with several people and that even though the “trauma” I was feeling leaving behind the girl I thought I was going to be with forever, my first love, may seem like the end of the world it was just the beginning. He even went on to relate how lucky I was to have felt love that felt that strong so young because unlike him, when true love approached again I would be ready to handle it.

I think of Tammy, my first love, often still. Sometimes I get the wild hair to see where life has taken her in the 25 or so years since we last spoke, but I never do. Instead I remember her as the cute little girl with honey blond hair sitting on the roof of a VW micro-bus waving to me as we drove by on our way out of town. I think about the days we passed notes in class, held hands sitting on a blanket watching the 4th of july fireworks, or even the first time I kissed a girl and realized I liked it.

When I think of that first love I think of how much I owe her even today. Were it not for her and the love we shared for each other who knows what life would be like for me now? Would I have been as good a student or athlete as I was because I constantly tried to keep up with her high standards of achievement? Would I have been as willing to accept that sometimes people are different from the majority, and that they are still okay and good people so young life? Would I have learned the lesson that love transcends all boundaries and that nothing should stand in its way, and if it does, you have to climb over it, go around it, or just knock it down and walk over it to get to that love we all deserve? The odds are I would not have learned those lessons or achieved what I have without that first love.

When I think of that first love the feelings are almost always good. Sometimes there is regret that we drifted apart a few years after we moved on. Sometimes I do worry about her and wonder if she remained the same sweet girl she had always been or if life beat her down and made her someone completely different. Mostly though I smile, for that first love was the love of childhood and innocence when it didn’t matter what others thought and there were no expectations or worries, just the moment and the feeling that at least for us the world was perfect.

14 Jan

Guys if you like what we’re doing with Spicie would you consider a nomination for the team for the Shorty Awards? We’ve got 40 nominations in “activism” category and it would help bring more awareness to what we’re doing if we got in the finals. Link below. thank you!

Tourniquet

queen-james-gay-bibleToday I want to share with you this fascinating conversation from In The Market with Janet Parshall . Joining Janet is the wonderful Christopher Yuan to talk about Matthew Vines and The Queen James Bible. You may or may not have heard about this book , there’s not much to be known about it other than the 8 passages that the editors have changed . From the website . . .

The Queen James Bible seeks to resolve interpretive ambiguity in the Bible as it pertains to homosexuality: We edited those eight verses in a way that makes homophobic interpretations impossible

Christopher Yuan is an incredible man, I have heard him speak as well as his lovely parents at a few Exodus conferences and their testimony is just so encouraging to hear. If you haven’t heard his story before you can check it out here or grab the book…

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Assessing the BDSM lifestyle

13 Jan

On the surface BDSM evokes a range of images as varied as the people that hold them. For many in the vanilla (Non BDSM lifestyle) it can range from utter disgust to a mere curiosity coupled with a live and let live attitude. For people that are actively involved in the lifestyle it is however far more positive to the point of almost being spiritual.

BDSM taken by it’s individual parts of bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism may seem to the uninitiated to merely be some strange collection of fetishes. In all reality it is a very delicately woven fabric that in the hands of devotees is beauty in and of itself. We all have likes and dislikes in our sexual lives. To the letter of the definition of fetish we are all fetishists in some regard. We all have arousal’s that stem from deeper than simple emotional attraction. A person may say they enjoy dirty talk, or perhaps a particular style of lingerie that heightens their libido. I propose this as being no different on a psychological level than persons that engage in the BDSM lifestyle, but without all the wonderful benefits BDSM offers it’s participants.

The dynamic of master and servant is age old and has always elicited the certain feeling of taboo. This is the core dynamic of all BDSM relationships. Generally speaking these are set in stone but in some cases there are people whom are “switches” that for any variety of reasons may assume either role at a given time. A Domme (I will use the feminine exclusively for sake of ease) is not simply a person skilled in tying knots and beating people with a flogger. A Domme is more so a guide. Through their mind, and actions they lead the sub on a variety of adventures. These adventures are not only meant to be physically and emotionally gratifying but in many cases a window into improving the subs life.

While this does seem an odd thing for many to understand please consider the following, much of BDSM is about the mental aspect of domination. In time anyone can learn to withstand physical pain, however when we deal with emotions, primarily fears, we learn to grow as a person. This growth is based on placing trust in another person which is often difficult for most of us in any life setting. In an open healthy Domme/sub relationship these fears and boundaries are known entities. It is the privilege and responsibility of the Domme to lead the sub through facing these fears, expanding their boundaries, and exploring them self. Conquering fear allows the sub the exhilaration of knowing the have done well and the confidence to move on to other challenges with this positive resume behind them. These are not just challenges faced in the dungeon setting but the real world itself.

The BDSM setting allows the sub the ability to have a free zone, a place where it is okay to let go and show their vulnerability without the fear of general public scrutiny. For some this is an ideal way to find that release and as a side bonus yes some do find sexual gratification as well. All too often in life we are told to take charge and portray strength, particularly men. The BDSM lifestyle not only allows the sub to give up control, but encourages and rewards this behavior. Over time a Domme and sub who work well together can accomplish many great feats of personal growth.

Just as this is rewarding for the sub, it is also rewarding for the Domme and I am not referring to being monetarily rewarding as professional dominatrixes are a very different subculture. The reward the Domme receives is twofold. The exercise of control that may not in some cases be present in other areas of life allows itself to manifest in a healthy way. While the Domme may not be the boss at work and such displays of dominant behavior would almost certainly be frowned upon oft times, in setting it is not only okay but expected. Secondly when a sub has a breakthrough large or small it is a rewarding experience for the Domme as well. Satisfaction can be taken in knowing they were pivotal in the positive development and growth of some aspect of an individuals life. Furthermore in exploring the needs and manner to help the sub grow the Domme also has opportunity to reflect on them self in a somewhat objective manner which allows for the further potential of their growth as a person.

There are and always will be people that either cannot or do not understand true BDSM is not about fetishism or sex, but rather a very strong relationship anchored solidly on trust which allows for total power exchange or TPE for short. While sex may at times be present in some form it is not the central focus. People entering into these relationships take them very seriously and do not in any way shape or form view this as a game. The relationship between a sub and Domme is often far more open and honest than any relationship either participant has in their vanilla life. It has to be in order to work. If you care to disagree consider whether or not your best friend or even spouse knows all the intimate details of your life good and bad? Do they know your fetishes, fantasies, and vulnerabilities in full? If not what is restricting the exchange of that information? In BDSM these are not only known but often explored and indulged in a safe sane manner.

In conclusion the BDSM lifestyle is sadly misunderstood all too often and discarded as fetishists getting their kicks through some form deviant behavior. The true lifestyle is not about that or money, or power tripping. It is about trust, understanding, respect and mutual growth. Hopefully this will help people see this is one book that can certainly not be judged by it’s cover.

Why so many women lack body confidence

2 Jan

So many women lack body confidence because the idealized vision of the ultimate woman is unattainable for the average woman. It is not just a matter of advertising and the media, although they play a hefty role, it is also about self confidence as a whole and not just in regards to an individuals body. if you then factor in how often the image of the “ideal” woman changes, who can honestly ever attain that lofty goal?

Wanting to be the ideal woman in regards to the way a woman’s body is shaped and presented to the world is something that is all too often ingrained on young girls before they have any understanding as to the reason why. It is not because parents are trying to set an impossible standard to match so much as it is because as a parent, you always want the best for little girl. You want her to fit in and be healthy, and as importantly, look healthy. We assume if we meet these criteria, our little girl will be happy. We reinforce this with praise and rewards hoping that as our little girl grows up she will take this behavior to heart and strive to reach the ideal look of womanhood on her own.

As our little girls grow up, they become more in tune to the images they see online, in print, and on television. The women that seem to have the best of everything tend to have a very specific look. Consciously or not, those young girls begin trying to emulate those images, often with no resistance. If anything, they are encouraged to strive for that idealized perfect body. While some will be gifted enough to come close to, or actually reach that standard, for the most part few ever will. Instead they will obsess on every imperfection, every zit, every birth mark, every ounce of extra fat that is real or perceived. Even those women that are held up as the ideal will often do this exact same thing because it is in their mind that it is important to always be as near perfect as possible. Sadly, this often continues into their adult years.

Unfortunately, because it is so impossible to attain the idealized female form, many will go to extreme and even unhealthy measures to try to reach this perception of perfection. The harder the woman tries to be ideal, the more things that often are seen as requiring change. The more that is seen as requiring change, the lower a woman’s body image drops along with her self esteem as a whole. They often develop a mentality in which they ask them self, “If all of this is wrong with me, is anything right?” The perception of negatives can become so overwhelming that it is impossible to ever reach a stable and content middle ground regarding body image.

Rather than focusing on the features that are perceived as negatives, what is really necessary is a celebration of what is positive. If you love your eyes, remind yourself of that. if you feel like your hips are too wide, remind yourself of the beautiful children that helped widen those hips or will enjoy the easier passage they afford over narrow boyish hips. if you are big but healthy, take pride in that! Get comfortable with your skin and how you feel in it instead of paying attention to what others think is wrong with it – they are not perfect either.

A “Predatory Teenage Girl” Speaks Out

31 Dec

When I was 15, like many teenage girls I had crushes. Not just sexual urges toward people, but platonic or intellectual ones as well. There were lolitaseveral girls in my school who I had a major crush on in that I wanted to be like them or at least inhabit their social sphere. They were the total opposite to me. They were attractive, socially adept, smart, but not scarily so, well dressed, had proper grown up bodies, not like mine which had the puppy fat of puberty but nothing as powerful as tits. They also seemed to be able to de-code adult things like which bands were right to like or what slang terms meant or how to tell if a boy liked you. They seemed confident and had slightly dangerous interests like smoking cigarettes and sneaking out to pubs. As someone who felt too mature to still be treated like a child, but not really ready to live like an adult, I idolised them and wanted to impress them.

via A “Predatory Teenage Girl” Speaks Out.

via A “Predatory Teenage Girl” Speaks Out.

Fighting For Love

30 Dec

You may sign your name, but not on this. Same-sex couples in Michigan cannot legally apply for a marriage license, but the battle over the issue is far from over. Same-sex marriage is a hot topic all across America, and Michigan is taking part in the discussion. While organizations on both sides of the issue continue to fight for their views, support for same-sex marriage is increasing nationwide. In 1995, the United States Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which legally prevents the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. It also defines marriage as “a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife.” Eight federal courts have struck down all or part of the law as un-Constitutional, and states are also legislating their own laws about whether to accept or deny equality of marriages.

via Fighting For Love.

via Fighting For Love.