How I found the right way and time to say I am gay

3 Apr

I came across the perfect time and way to say I was gay for the first time more times than I can count. The sad reality however is that I constantly failed to seize those opportunities. For one reason or another I’d become tongue tied, a shift in conversation would take place before I could get it out, or in many instances I though an even better time would be just around the corner. Actually in most cases I didn’t realize it was the perfect time until it passed and the moment was gone. As such I wound up finally saying I was gay at what may have been the worst possible time. At least that’s how I used to think.

 As a couple of decades have passed since that time I realized something far more important about coming out than I ever realized all those years ago, and it’s not there there isn’t a perfect a time, trust me there is. That perfect time is whenever you do come out and announce to your parents, friends, or whoever you choose that you are gay so long as you as an individual are comfortable. That’s really the best you can hope for. I have discovered that no matter how much you hope, plan, or even try to manufacture the perfect time to come out it is just one of those things that happens when it is supposed to. Some people are not going to react well, some are and waiting an extra day or month or however long isn’t going to change that usually.

In a likewise fashion I had planned a coming out speech for my family that had everything short of a soundtrack and synchronized slide show, but in retrospect even if I did and Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and the top Disney CGI team jumped on board it wouldn’t have changed a thing. Once the words “I’m gay” came out everything else was irrelevant. That phrase was enough to ensure that only a few scattered phrases following it seemed to hit home. It took time for the revelation, no matter who obvious it was to sink in. I think for my family it meant they could no longer harbor the idea I was going to have the type of life they would have preferred for me.

What this meant was coming out wasn’t really a one shot deal, it was phases. Phase one was the above saying I was gay the first time. Step two followed again later when I had to confirm I was gay yet again just so there was no confusion. The coming out led to a bit of tension to say the least which resulted in years of separation which only began to repair over the past several years. Still to this day I have learned to begin conversations with some of those people who first heard me utter I was gay as “yes we’re doing fine, still gay by the way…” It just saves them stumbling around to figure out how to ask.

A right time and way to come out does exist, it just isn’t something you can plan. There will just be a time you feel comfortable and ready and when that time comes so will the words. Saying you’re gay is hard enough, don’t put any pressure on yourself worrying about the when and how, just let it happen.

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