The dilemma of falling for heterosexuals

2 Apr

Falling for a heterosexual person is something which is not only frustrating but fairly common. Sooner or later we all seem to do it despite trying not to. You just can’t turn attraction on and off like a light switch because it isn’t convenient for you. In all honesty, to me, in my personal experience, falling for a heterosexual person was difficult and painful, but as the old saying oes that’s why they call them crushes, if they were easy they would call the something else.

Perhaps my perspective is a little different than some people, I’ve been in a very solid relationship coming up on fifteen years. As such I don’t go out looking for anyone but that hardly means I’m dead, I still find myself attracted to other women. As the majority of the population is heterosexual that attraction regularly falls on the shoulders of a straight woman. Like it or not that’s just life. A few years ago I had my first real crush on a heterosexual woman and was it ever a killer.

While it’s not the typical setting for such things to happen for most people I was away in a long term care facility dealing with an illness, seventeen months, two weeks and two days to be exact. I wasn’t terribly far from home, maybe a half hour depending on the traffic, but an everyday visit from the family wasn’t always practical. In fact it wasn’t even encouraged, I was in need of being greedy for once in my life and focusing on my own needs plus I wasn’t really in the type of condition I wanted to be seen often. Much of my time was spent in either physical therapy or some form of counseling either on site or shuttled to the hospital. It wasn’t an ideal situation.

I went in not knowing a soul and truth be told at first I didn’t want to know anyone. Eventually though I found myself taking meals with another woman that in many ways seemed like me. She kept to herself and tended to show up in the same places I did. One day after a few weeks of exchanging nothing more than minimal greetings we began talking. Before long we were spending our free time together more and more often. At first it was just nice to have someone to spend time with but it didn’t take long to realize I found myself thinking of her more and more. Actually she began dominating my thoughts.

I had a feeling she was bisexual or at least receptive to it, but it was difficult to tell. It also wasn’t something I was going to ask. I’d never actually found myself seriously fantasizing about another woman during my entire union to my partner.

Of course there were those Anjelina and Halle Berry fantasies, but those weren’t real, they were people I’d likely never meet. Janine (Not her real name of course) was right there in front of me everyday for usually twelve hours each day, sometimes more. We took walks, we sat on the sofa watching movies. I found myself responding to her touch no matter how innocent or inadvertent. The more I knew her the more I liked her.

 The feeling transcended the love you have for a close friend, it actually crossed over to lust which all at once thrilled and disturbed me. I thought I was getting the signal she was interested in more too but I decided to let her make the move first. Somehow in my mind at that time that was going to happen.

Almost two weeks passed without a thing happening and I was frustrated and a little depressed by that, I was thinking of getting proactive. I went to bed dreaming of her and decided I was going to pick out the perfect romantic movie for us to watch the next night and just see what happened. By then I knew she wasn’t a lesbian, and she had said she had no problem with women, she just didn’t envision that type of relationship as a part of who she was. I knew better but still I couldn’t help wanting to make it happen. I convinced myself under the right circumstances it would.

I woke up late the next morning with no activities scheduled until after lunch it was unofficially allowed but not officially discouraged. It had been a long restless night night thinking of Janine. I got showered and dressed and went to meet her at our table for lunch only to see she wasn’t there. I went to the appointment board but saw none were scheduled for her. That got me concerned and I went to her ward to check her room. The charge nurse called me over and handed me a letter.

I opened it up there and read it immediately. She had discharged that morning, something she had known was approaching for several days. She didn’t know how to say goodbye even though she wanted to. She was going to return home to Maryland which meant I’d likely never see her again. So far we haven’t met or spoken again. It hurt for sure, to have someone so close you want so badly but know that it just can’t happen. even knowing if you try anything it will almost certainly destroy the relationship still couldn’t stop me from at least wanting to try to make it happen. It’s a terrible feeling but it’s better than not feeling at all.

%d bloggers like this: