A humorous look at gay life in cyberspace

22 Mar

Navigating the world of cyberspace leads to many different areas. I often view cyberspace like a globe of the world with large general land masses that comprise small communities. One of the small communities in this vast world I have spent too much time in is the that which deals with social networking. Why I do that is in part because I enjoy meeting new people like myself that are dealing with similar issues or just have something positive, informative, or humorous to share.

Basically all I’ve ever had to do to enter this world is create a user profile, throw a couple pictures of myself up there for the world to see and browse the site for several minutes before emails and instant message requests start rolling in. The messages that I get usually don’t correspond to who I am looking to meet and that is when the fun starts. Just to be clear I’m a lesbian. I’m in a fourteen year relationship to a stunning woman. I have a daughter, a cat, a home, and no desire to stray from my partner. I only want to meet other LGBT persons. This is something I make abundantly clear in multiple areas. I usually have some from of a humorous warning to attempt to stem the tide of straight men contacting me like a headline which reads “Men please do not contact me, I have a raging case of herpes, toe nail fungus, and some form of yet unidentified social disease found in sea lions.”

I thought perhaps that would keep men away yet it did the opposite, they started contacting me in droves. One guy even sent me an email that he likes honesty in women and that he too has herpes and perhaps we would be the perfect match. At first I thought it was a joke but as I read on saw he was serious. I tried being nice and sent him a reply explaining that was a joke and that I am a lesbian. I have no interest in dating any man and only joined to meet LGBT people, however I hope he has luck finding an honest woman riddled with social disease that would want to date him. An hour or so later I got a response that he enjoys women with a sense of humor, maybe we would be the perfect match. Some folks never learn.

Initially I used to allow the IM (Instant message) feature of sites to remain on because I just didn’t know better. It only took about three days to start searching out methods to shut it off forever. The first day (As I spent several hours setting up my profile and browsing the site) I had maybe three dozen IM windows open at various times. Initially I was encouraged as a nice bisexual woman and I were discussing mommy issues about raising a teenage daughter. My next was from a fabulous gay man that wanted to compliment my “fierce” sense of style and even knew the gown I wore in a photo from the “Pink Christmas” party was a Dolce Gabbana, although last seasons. I was in a state of bliss.

That bliss didn’t last long as my profile became more and more viewed. The vultures began circling. There was the man that wanted to have sex with me. Never mind he lived several hundred miles away and I’m a lesbian, he was convinced a night with him and I would know I’m not a lesbian. I simply closed the window but it came back. I again closed it, but there it was again. Now I’m getting mad trying to find the block user feature.

He set the tone for how I began handling the rest of the IM’s I received. Another window opened, then another on top of that, and yet another! “Holy crow” I thought to myself, “who are these people?” One was an eighteen year old boy that stated as glibly as many young men in cyberspace do that he wanted to “sex me up.” I asked if his parents knew he was hitting on strangers and told him I was going to talk to his mom about his behavior before blocking him. The next Asked if I was into a threesome. I asked who the third would be and he said anyone you want! I replied by asking how his sister looked, and again hit the block user button.

The third window was a bit different, it just asked how I was doing. I thought it was nice of him to ask so I said fine and asked how he was as well. He replied by stating he was in a constant state of arousal and needed special attention. He went on to intimate he had been bad and also had dirty nappies. I asked where he lived and he said Tulsa. I asked if he could hang on for a minute and he said he could. I pulled up Google and did a quick copy/paste of gay clubs in his area noting he could likely find many people to tend to his constant arousal at one of those places. I also sent a link to a Tulsa diaper service and a coupon code for depends undergarments.

He said but I’m not gay, I like women. I said “wow what a coincidence, me too!” I asked if he could read to which he said of course, how could I write if I couldn’t read? I said you could have voice recognition software. He assured me he could read. I asked how then he could look at my profile and not see that I was a lesbian and stated no men please a total of six times. He said there is no such thing as lesbians, we are just confused.” You can guess the next line, we “Just haven’t met the right man.”

While I have since dropped off many social networking sites because even after turning off the IM feature these are the same clowns that email me everyday with the same tired rhetoric and questions. If they were at least entertaining I would have remained but how entertaining is getting an email that says nothing more than “Wassup?” It’s not even a real word! It might be more annoying than the Darwin Award candidates that send messages stating “send nude pics to (insert email address).” Does that ever work?

My favorites though are the religious crusaders that send long form letter sermons on why being gay is unnatural and how badly I need to find god. Sometimes when I am bored I’ll respond noting that I don’t enjoy being preached to and that in the summer of 1987 I found god already on an overnight two person camping trip with their mom. Well actually not that we found god, but we called out his name multiple times as the night went on and that was the best church retreat I ever went on. Usually that ends the repeat spamming from the offending address.

What I have learned from time on social networking sites as a lesbian? I learned that far too many people don’t read profiles. They just look at pictures and let their fingers go crazy on the keyboard. I learned there really are a ton of guys out there that think their sexual prowess is such they can actually change a persons orientation with their touch, and that almost all of them think some woman is going to run off to give them the chance to prove it. Reverse psychology at it’s worst and most base if ever there was an example. Mostly I’ve learned birth control needs to be way more accessible to everyone, maybe even free to everyone as there are lot’s of folks that should seriously consider never ever breeding.

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