“Coming out” after marrage, divorce and children

8 Feb

The process of coming out after a marriage, divorce, or after having children all present unique challenges for everyone involved. Ultimately it is the best thing, trying to live a lie is never conducive to any healthy relationship, and that even goes for a relationship with a former spouse. To keep things as simple and easy to follow as possible it’s best to look at each issue individually, and how coming out impacts the involved parties in each scenario.

Coming out after marriage is often a heartreaking experience for both parties. On the one hand their is often a genuine love for each other, but there is the issue of one spouse not having the sexual attraction needed to help keep a marital relationship healthy. There is no denying that sex is an important part of a relationship, and if one partner cannot be enthused about it, and knows that feeling isn’t going to change then they need to come out to their partner if that is the genesis of the lack of sexual chemistry.

What often winds up happening when such things are hidden is you wind up with the gay spouse going on the down low, women does this just as men do. This opens Pandora’s box, not just to the potential for disease and things of that nature, but to deeper issues that can ruin any form of positive relationship between the couple. You’ll often find when the gay spouse comes out that their partner has a number of questions about it.

How long did you know you were gay?

Is it because of something I did or didn’t do?

Can you just stop it? Can I do something to help you stop?

If you knew this all along, why would you drag me into the middle of it?

The answers are usually very obvious to the partner that has come out, but to the spouse they rarely if ever make sense, at least not at that particular moment. It is going to take time to process everything and come to grips with it. They invested their life with you, and now they see that investment not panning out the way they hope it would have. For the person coming out it isn’t much easier. They have to deal with knowing about the coming fallout and that they have let down a person they love because they weren’t honest with them in the first place regarding their sexuality. For the poor souls that were confused enough to allow themselves to be pressured into marrying by gay cure groups that advocate marriage as a part of the “healing process” all of this goes out the window, they live in their special world of denial and the pain they cause they do knowingly.

After a divorce the coming out issue is of little issue. This is a person you most likely don’t have to deal with or only deal with on a limited basis. As such what goes on in either of your personal lives should be of little or no consequence to each other so long as it does not infringe on legally ordered or agreed upon conditions resulting from the split. Whatever you share with an ex regarding your sexuality is more or less a courtesy, the union has been dissolved, and unless absolutely necessary coming out to them is completely optional.

When coming out and children are involved, in these days it is less of an issue than ever. Adult children tend to have a few more hangups than yhose that are younger. In fact in most cases the younger a child is the easier they adapt to it and the less of an issue coming out is. Generally there is the initial shock of it all, but for the most part it seems to pass quickly and go rather smoothly. The most important thing when coming out involves kids is to be honest and let them know that you still love them and that isn’t going to change.

Coming out is a challenge for some, and for people falling into the above cited categories that is often amplified. The thing for them to remember however is that coming out is better for everyone involved than having a miserable parent more prone to prolonged depressive states and under the worst of scenarios suicide. As hard as it may be for the people you come out to, you have to remember that these are people that love you and ultimately want you to be happy and healthy. They may not embrace this revelation with open arms at first, but ultimately they will understand.

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